Trust
by macisgate
Summary: Rodney has never really trusted anyone except himself.  Trust issues?  Episode Tag to Grace Under Pressure.


Trust

Rated: PG

Season: 2

Spoilers: Grace Under Pressure

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis. I've tried to be diplomatic about it, and I've tried throwing a fit. Nothing works. Nothing!

Summary: Rodney has never really trusted anyone except himself. Episode Tag to Grace Under Pressure.

A/N: Hey Everybody! I wrote this awhile ago but couldn't stop stewing over it enough to post it. But if it stews any more it will be mush. So here goes!

Remember in Grace Under Pressure when hallucination Sam tells Rodney, "Why don't you just trust them?" and Rodney says, "Because I have every reason not too." I thought that was a very powerful moment, especially the way Rodney said it, that demanded some further analysis. So here goes. Thanks so much for reading!

Best wishes and lots of love!

Christine

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Trust. Everyone made it sound so simple.

_Why don't you just trust them?_ Sam said. Easy for her to say. What did she know about trust? What made her think it was just a simple matter of_ deciding_ to trust people? Because it wasn't. It wasn't that simple at all.

Trust had to be earned. Trust is when you know without a shadow of a doubt that the person next to you has your back, will put themselves on the line for you. And not just that, but that they will actually be able to help you and not foolishly get themselves killed in the process.

Trust took time to shape and form. Trust was fragile and tender, easily bruised and hard to heal.

_Love many. Trust few. Always paddle your own canoe._

He'd learned that lesson early on in life.

It all started with the lemons.

He was six years old. His mother made chicken for supper. It was a special night. It was his birthday. There was even a chocolate cake with candles. Balloons and streamers and signs were everywhere. The coffee table was piled high with presents. Jeanie was dancing around the house in excitement. All for him. His birthday.

His dad had even come home from work early to spend more time with him. They all sat around the kitchen table and started eating. And suddenly he couldn't breath. He tried to get up from the table but fell on the floor instead. All the noises and voices around him became a dull roar. But he did hear one thing.

_Call an ambulance! Rodney, baby, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot._

He'd never trusted her again. Loved her, yes. Trusted? No.

And then when he was twelve. He developed a huge crush on Sarah from math class. She was smart and blonde and funny. He told his best friend Matthew that he was going to ask her to the school dance. He talked with Matthew about her all the time. And then, the day he decided to ask her out, he saw Matthew and Sara kissing in front of the lockers. His own best friend.

If that had been all life did to him, it wouldn't have been so bad. He might have moved on without permanent damage, might have _trust_ in his fellow man.

But there was more. So much more. Like when his dad left.

_Hey, we'll still keep in touch. You can come see me every other weekend._

He hadn't seen him since. Rodney didn't mind.

Then there was the time while he was working on his graduate studies, he ran into his old girlfriend with a two-year-old boy who looked just like him.

_I didn't want to tell you because I didn't think you wanted a family, and I didn't want to stop you from your work._

He did want a family then. Not anymore.

And now today. Even the third most brilliant scientist in the world – after himself and Samantha Carter of course, his friend Radek, couldn't be trusted. He was the reason Rodney was in this mess in the first place. No. There was no one to trust but himself.

But he couldn't even trust himself anymore. Because even geniuses get bumps on the head and start hallucinating beautiful blondes from another galaxy.

So if he couldn't trust himself, then who was left to trust? Rodney looked around the water-filling puddle jumper, hallucination-Sam who'd been playing mind games with him from the start. He listened as the sea monster swam overhead, calling out, ready to eat him for supper. And suddenly, the absurdity of the situation really hit him. A smile fueled by sleep deprivation and this-close-to-being-dead graced his lips.

"What?" Sam asked.

"We're all just trying to survive. Aren't we?"

Sam just looked at him. He was rubbing his already well-rubbed eyes again.

"That sea monster, he just wants food – he needs to eat to live. I need to get out of this puddle jumper to live, so my mind created you to bounce ideas off of. Radek is afraid of water – to him, water means death, so he asked me to go in his place because he knew I could handle it. I mean, unless you're a complete psychopath hell-bent to pain and destruction, nobody really wants to hurt anyone else. The only thing we can really trust is that we're all just trying to do what we think is best at each moment in time – to get through one day and start in on the next – to _survive_. We just-" Rodney waved his hand in a futile gesture.

Sam moved to sit beside him. Help would not be long now. She put an arm around his shoulders, and he leaned down so that his head was in her lap. She brushed at his hair with her fingers.

"I just want to go home," he mumbled into her.

Sam looked down at the weary man and smoothed her fingers over the worry lines on his face.

"I know," she said.

Maybe trust wasn't so hard to understand after all.


End file.
